


Lost along the way

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, F/M, Forbidden Love, Heartbreak, M/M, except one character lol oops, loads of other characters just roll with it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-20
Updated: 2014-02-21
Packaged: 2018-01-05 08:00:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1091518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where only Thorin died in the Battle of Five Armies. Erebor is rebuilt and Fili becomes King under the mountain.</p><p>Kili still holds his love for Tauriel although in blackmail of a truce with the elves and dwarves, Thranduil has Legolas and Tauriel betrothed, rendering Kili without the chance of ever being with Tauriel.<br/>Fili begins to hope maybe he and his brother could go back to how things used to being between them, but the heart and mind never agree on matters such as this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I've had this idea for a bit and really wanted to write something Fili/Kili related.  
> I also do like Kili/Tauriel so what a better excuse to slip that in too, though this story is focusing on Fili and Kili's relationship.
> 
> Before you read on;  
> This isn't going to be a happy story. Warning you now.  
> Andalsounbeta'd

No one had truly counted the days it had taken to rebuild their home, but Fili knew it had taken several years. Erebor wasn't an overnight rebuild, it was one thing clearing the mountain out and then fixing things that needed to be fixed after all the damage that old Smaug had done, rampaging around in the mountain for all that time.  
  
But once Erebor had been rebuilt, it was magnificent. Just how the tales were when Fili was growing up as a young dwarfling. It felt extremely strange to finally be stood in Erebor, with a crown upon his head.  
  
Being King was difficult, Fili wasn't going to deny it. It also didn't feel right. He had grown up with his brother, looking up to Thorin, knowing one day Uncle Thorin would be King and eventually he'd get his chance to be king. Once he had prepared and been educated on what it is to be a king. But the crown had been thrust on his head untimely and Fili felt so lost without any true guidance.  
  
He hadn't realised this until the day of his coronation.  
  
To see so many smiling faces, bowing to him and cheering and welcoming the new King under the mountain.. and to not see Thorin amongst them left a gaping hole in Fili's chest. The loss of his uncle only had hit him when he became king. At the time, he couldn't say the same for Kili.  
  
Seeing Thorin slain before them on the battlefield had left Kili with trauma. Fili admitted he still had nightmares of being on the battlefield in general, not just of witnessing his uncle's death. But he held it together, he had to now and bring hope to his people. They had taken back their home land and reclaimed the mountain. There was hope from this, and Fili had to continue to radiate the hope and bright future.  
  
Fili remembered Kili going through such a long period of mourning. Fili had mourned, all of them had mourned for Thorin's death... But Kili had mourned the worse. He had refused to have his hair any other way than the braids to show he was grieving, and that was when he could be bothered to braid his hair. Kili wouldn't even allow anyone to touch his hair let alone braid it. On the odd occasion, Kili would ask his brother to stroke his hair gently whilst he lay in bed for he could not sleep. It would never be more than that though.  
  
Eventually Kili came round and began to decrease the braids of grief until one day there were none. He wore his hair in the manner of a prince and began to attend the council meetings and help to run Erebor alongside Fili. Things then finally seemed to be how Fili had pictured as a young dwarf; living in Erebor with his brother. Things had finally gotten back to how they used to be... or so they seemed.  
  
Fili knew things were never going to go back to how they were when Kili refused his lips. The two had retired to their separate chambers after a long day, Fili had stopped by the door, smiling at his brother who had smiled back. And without thinking, more or less acting naturally, he leaned in, taking Kili's cheek with his hand and pressed his lips softly to his brother's.  
  
Instead of the warm response Fili had expected, he had been given a small shove and to see a wave of emotions in Kili's eyes. Confusion, hurt, distress.. but most of all, disgust. And that's what worried Fili the most. They hadn't rushed into things when they were growing up. Their relationship got to what it was through slow hand holdings and gentle kissing sessions. They had both consenting and..  
  
Fili couldn't understand. He had several ideas of what could have changed Kili's mind on.. them. Possibly he didn't want to shame Thorin's memory, which didn't make too much sense, as Thorin knew of them and while he wasn't pleased over the fact, he neither forbade it.  
  
It soon washed over Fili that very night that he was a King now.. he would have to take a queen and she would give him a heir to the throne. If not that Kili would take the throne and have to produce a heir... that couldn't have possibly been the thing to make Kili look at him with such disgust. The look as if that was the first of their interactions and everything that had happened between them simply hadn't.  
  
It made Fili's gut hurt and his heart sink.  
  
* * *  
  
Fili's footsteps echoed the halls as he strode down beside Balin, who was busily informing him of things he was not listening to. He hadn't been for a while and the older dwarf soon realised this.  
  
"My King, does something bother you?" Balin suddenly asked forwardly after heaving a sigh. Fili stopped and gave the white haired dwarf a blank look, being unable to register the question and think properly. He opened his mouth before shutting it again, unable to do or say anything.  
  
"You've been like this for... a while now and few people are beginning to notice... Your people worry for you...I am here to help, your majesty" Balin continued, never shifting his gaze from Fili. The King lowered his head and a small sigh escaped through his dry lips. Balin's sudden touch made him jump as a hand was placed firmly on his shoulder.  
  
"Listen Lad.." He began, Fili swallowed and moved his faze upward to meet the elder's. Balin hadn't called him Lad in a while, and only referred to him as "Lad" or "Laddie" even when they were speaking as friends, as family.  
  
"...I fear you're becoming sick in some way... Please open up to me so I can give you some guidance." Fili shook his head, his throat dry.  
  
"Only Thorin could give me guidance to being King." He said, his voice coming out as a whisper. Balin shuffled and gave a steady sigh.  
  
"..Is that what's troubling you?" He asked softly to which Fili shrugged. It half was, he worried whether he was a good king or not and only Thorin could have answered for that. Balin gave a small chuckle.  
  
"You are still the young dwarfling I read bedtime stories to, Lad." Balin began  
  
"No matter how big and grown up you become, I will always see that." Fili gave a soft smile and lowered his gaze to his feet. Balin's hand on his shoulder shook him gently, asking for Fili to open up.  
  
"What's really troubling you?"  
  
Fili moved his head up once more, breathing in steadily, feeling his eyes begin to sting already, his chest hurting at the thought of what they were about to discuss.  
  
"It's Kili." He whispered.  
  
"... I fear he does not love me anymore."  
  
Balin shut his eyes for a moment, with a curt nod he opened them again, also being one of the few who knew of their relationship. Balin had slight more understanding it seemed than Thorin had, but Balin was an understanding person to begin with.  
  
"... People change over time, Lad. And it could possibly that grief took it's toll on your brother. You're not a young dwarfling anymore, you're king you understand you have to produce a heir... And I am not claiming anything. But it is a possibility that grief made Kili think differently on the future.. the future between you two." He explained softly, all the while keeping a firm hold to Fili's shoulder. Fili nodded sadly, looking away.  
  
".. Maybe he's forcing it away, not wanting your.. relationship to cause problems for the future of you.." Fili found himself looking at the older dwarf, feeling desperate.  
  
"For the future of Erebor." Balin finished, giving him a stern look. Fili knew Balin was right. He knew from the start he couldn't be with Kili openly if they reclaimed Erebor, and now that they had...  
  
Fili bit his lip and forced himself to nod. Balin removed his hand and sighed.  
  
"You look exhausted... Go and get some rest." He commanded. Fili took a deep breath and forced a smile before turning to leave. Half way down the hall, he heard Balin call after him.  
  
"And give your heart some rest too!"

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili talks to Bofur about his feelings and they come to a conclusion over what to do.

To say the year was slowly coming to an end, and winter was approaching, the sun still cast a warm light over the land and the wind hadn't gotten any colder. Kili gave a soft smile as he watched leaves blow through the air, twirling freely in pairs as they passed by.

The dwarf prince gave a swallow and then lowered his head to stare at his reflection in the small river that ran past him.  Kili was sat on the edge of a large rock, bow loosely in hands, just outside the city of Dale. He had been sat there for some time and hadn't even cared to keep an eye on the time. He had needed some time to just be on his lonesome. Not to think or anything of such. Just to be alone. He preferred solitude at the moment and found he couldn't get enough of it. Being prince seemed quite inconvenient most of the time due to that.

  Kili held his breath as he sensed movement from behind him. His hands slowly tightened the grip on his bow as he steadied himself, ready to turn and face his follower.   As agile as he could, Kili stood up sharply, whirling around and drawing back his bow, pointing it to whoever was approaching him. There stood a rather surprised looking Bofur, bag slung over his shoulder and a large looking, half eaten pork pie in one hand. He held his hands out in surrender, eyes wide and pie crumbs in his moustache and beard.

  "Sorry, was I interrupting something?" He asked. Kili gave a sigh and lowered his bow, giving Bofur a quick frown before shaking his head.  

"No, no.. Sorry." He mumbled, feeling bad for startling his friend. Bofur shook his head and made his way over easily. The prince sat back down, moving over a little for Bofur to sit beside him.

  "I'd give you a lecture on how it's dangerous for a prince to be out here, on his own. But by the looks of things you know how to protect yourself." Bofur mused, sitting down beside Kili and smiling. Kili couldn't help but return a shy smile, Bofur's face was withered now, but Kili liked to think that all the wrinkles were from the smiling he did. He wasn't as old as Balin anyway, who fortunately seemed to still be going strong.  Kili gave a simple nod as he looked up to the sky, squinting. Bofur leaned over, petting the prince's shoulder gently. He held out the half eaten pork pie as an offering but Kili shook his head.  
  
"No thanks," He said gently. He looked back to the distance and felt Bofur watching him.  

"You just wanted to be alone again? Or is something troubling you?" Bofur asked, lowering his voice, as if they were to be over heard. Kili breathed in and held it. He wasn't entirely sure on how to answer. Was there something bothering him?  

"Why would anyone care if there were to be something bothering me?" He mumbled instead, running his fingers along the edge of his bow. He could practically feel Bofur frown beside him.

  "I would care! Your friends would care, your people would care! ... Fili would care." Bofur said, giving him a firm shake. Kili looked up to his friend with a scowl.  

"Fili cares about everything except himself anyway." A slight sting to his words, which Bofur gave a half confused smile to.  

"D'you think that's a bad thing? ... Most would say that's a valuable thing to have on the throne." Kili rolled his eyes and gave a sigh, standing up and walking away a few paces his back turned to Bofur. He folded his arms.

  "At least he isn't like your great grandfather! He put Erebor into the huge mess and Fili has managed to haul it out... Your brother is a noble King and he would care if something is troubling the mind of one of his people... especially your mind."   There was a long moment of silence of where Kili just stared glumly down at his reflection before he looked over his shoulder sadly. Bofur's frown eased into a sympathetic expression as he saw the sadness in the prince's eyes.  

"Please open up to me, Lad." He asked, a thin trace of sadness in Bofur's own voice. Kili knew he was no harm and he could trust him.

  "I miss her..." Kili almost whispered. Bofur blinked for a moment before Kili saw the realization wash over him.  

"I miss her so much." He gave a heavy sigh, looking up, away from Bofur's gaze as he felt his eyes begin to prickle. As much as he didn't want to cry in front of Bofur he knew it was going to happen anyway.  

"... I miss her long, fiery hair and her pale skin. And I miss how her voice sounds, the way her lips gently curved up into a smile when I spoke to her in the cells all those years ago. How beautiful her pointed ears are and the wonder that filled her eyes as she spoke of starlight.." Kili broke off and brought a hand to his mouth as he shut his eyes tightly. He held back a sob.  

"She saved me ... I wish I could see her again."   He dared a look at Bofur, who unlike he expected, looked utterly heartbroken for him. He motioned for him to come and sit back down.  

"Oh, Kili." He sighed heavily as Kili made his way back over to sit beside Bofur once more.

  "...Love is a cruel thing it is. And it always seems to hit us hardest with those we cannot be with." Bofur began, putting an arm around Kili gently and holding him close. Kili leaned into the touch and cursed himself mentally when few tears rolled down his cheeks.

  "... I do not wish to break your heart, and you already are aware I imagine... But you cannot be with her." Kili bit his lip and lowered his head with a nod.  Bofur patted his shoulder gently and sighed once more.

  "...As much as your love.. may have been mutual? I'm not sure a relationship between an elf and dwarf would be accepted." Kili paused for a moment.

  "...There's a first time for everything." He whispered to which Bofur moved, standing up and kneeling before Kili, lowering his head to try and see into Kili's eyes.  

"Kili.." He began."...I know this is hard for you but you have to think of your people. Of your race. You're a prince and it is expected of you to produce a heir." Kili shot Bofur another dark scowl but Bofur simply shook his head sadly and kept a firm hold of eye contact.  

"..I'm sorry. I didn't make the rules"  

"But it could happen! If we introduced it slowly, I-I could ask her to be with me... And we could unite the two races, wipe clear the huge feud between the elves and the dwarves! Bofur, It could work, it could." Kili babbled desperately, grabbing hold of Bofur's hands and keeping a firm grasp of them.  Bofur shook his head sadly, glancing away.  

"...If you honestly feel passionate about calling... a truce of some sorts, you need to voice it at the council. This isn't something you plan behind the King's back, even if he is your brother... Does Fili know of your feelings?" Kili paused before shaking his head.  

"...I've not spoken to him." Bofur frowned at that answer and squeezed Kili's hands gently.  

"Why not?"   Kili glanced away, suddenly feeling ashamed.

  "...I don't want him to know."   Bofur's gaze urged him to continue on. Kili gave a small sigh. Kili hadn't ever been actually sure who had known of his relationship with Fili. Thorin knew of course, Kili remembered going to him with Fili and they both came out on it together. Thorin had separated them for a short while in retaliation Kili had guessed, but he soon eased into it but firmly told them to keep it secret and deny if ever questioned on it. Thorin hadn't forbidden it but had neither encouraged it.  Kili also knew that Thorin had spoken to Balin, informing him of it as Balin had a right to know in an unquestionable way... but Kili hadn't ever known if the rest of their company had known. Fili had told him that few times members of the company had simply worked it out to which Kili had worried himself silly. Was he obvious on showing his affections?  In the end he decided it didn't bother him, sooner or later they would have to lead a life into royalty and have to become kings, take queens and produce future kings. Kili had kept Fili very close to his heart, and it pained him to suddenly find himself pushing Fili away.

Kili had continued to love Fili even when he met Tauriel. Kili still made love to Fili and remembered it was Fili. This only made him feel worse for how could he be so madly in love with two people at once? It didn't seem possible and Kili wished it wasn't possible for it hurt his head and heart.  Kili thought about the last time he and Fili had been together. It had been a time after the battle. A cold night. And although their physical wounds were healed, the trauma and gaping hole of loss in their chests hadn't even stopped bleeding out yet. Kili had huddled close to his brother, sobbing into his chest. Out of comfort, things had soon took a turning and to ease their minds away from the grief and loss, they had allowed themselves to be lost in a night of pleasure together. Kili had shifted his thoughts from Thorin and Fili being King to how wonderful it had felt for his brother to be as closest he could get in such the long time he had been unable to.

  "...Do you know?" Kili asked quickly before Bofur could make a further comment. Bofur gave a puzzled look and tilted his head.

  "Know of what?" Kili felt his mouth grow dry and he gave his shoulders a slight shrug.

  "Of me and Fili... Times we've spent together and-and.." Kili stopped, swallowing realizing how embarrassing and awkward this topic was. Bofur simply gave a knowing smile and nodded.

  "I may be getting on a bit, but I know love when I see it... even if it crosses the line in some people's eyes." Kili gave a nervous smile to which Bofur shook his head at.  

"I'm not positive over it, lad... but I have nothing wrong with it. I've never been told but I've always assumed.. you had few moments where you were more than brothers." Kili nodded while glancing away. 

 "Is this why you haven't been speaking to him or anything? You're afraid of how he'll take it?" Kili nodded glumly, feeling the weight in his heart as he thought further into it.

  "Oh Kili... Your brother knows he has responsibilities now and-"

  "It's not just that." Kili said quickly, running a hand through his hair, not caring for if he messed it up. As Prince, he was expected to look formal at all times but really, Kili didn't have the heart to look his best. Who was he really trying to impress?  
  
"It'll break him completely... It'll break me. I can't bear to see him fall to pieces... He should have a queen before I go off finding anyone to produce heirs with." Kili found himself saying harshly. Bofur petted his shoulder gently.  
  
"Women aren't just there to produce heirs, y'know." Bofur said with a smile. Kili frowned and  sat still to which Bofur chuckled at. Then he gave a long sigh looking out into the distance before them. They sat there for a long while, not speaking or looking at each other. Until Bofur finally spoke, but not taking his eyes from the landscape.  
  
"You need to bring up your wishes at the council." Bofur said calmly. Kili looked to Bofur, feeling panic rise in his chest. He wasn't sure it was a good idea.  
  
"Bofur, I don't think-"  
  
"If you never ask you'll never know." He stated firmly. He then glanced to Kili, making firm eye contact and nodding gently.  
  
"If there's a small chance of you... being with her. And being able to produce a heir with her then I say go for it. If it's frowned upon and not allowed at least you know you tried. And Tauriel will still love you for that fact."  
  
Kili nodded glumly and lowered his head. It hurt him to know that either of the two he loved he couldn't really be with. He wished circumstances could be different, that maybe...  
  
"Come on. We best be getting back." Bofur said with a sigh as he stood up.  
  
"Don't want to keep everyone waiting now do we?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me a while to update and it's a short ish chapter but here you all are.  
> A little bit more light on the story even though you all know what'll happen. Kind of. (;  
> So here we are, hope it's good.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili brings up his proposal for a marriage alliance between Erebor and Mirkwood and Fili attempts to bury his feelings..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not updating frequently (with any of my fics for that matter) but I rarely get chance to write new chapters so please bear with me, I do have this fic planned out, it's just writing it up.  
> Unbeta'd. Enjoy <3

"As of now, Bard, King of Dale, has confirmed that the numbers of the cities guards are up to a healthy number now, with many men in training. Nothing more needs to be done with out help from them but I'll keep you updated on if the numbers begin to dwindle again, as for-"

  Kili today found himself switching off at the council meeting. Not that was ever a new things but today he couldn't help but worry about what he was going to do. He knew the council would break out into murmurings to each other when he'd announce his offer but he honestly didn't care. After several nights of staring up at the ceiling all night, he decided he'd have to bring the topic up.  
  
"Now that brings an end to topics, would anyone like to raise awareness of a matter or propose a suggestion of some sort?" Kili suddenly felt every nerve in his body alight. He sat still, feeling the blood from his heart drain as he tried to compose himself for what he was about to say.  
  
"I do." He said, loud enough to be heard but he felt it was barely a whisper. Kili glanced up from his clammy hands and made firm eye contact with Balin across the council table.  
  
"I would like to propose a suggestion to improving our alliances with the other kingdoms." Kili said calmly, figuring it would be too shocking to blurt out what he truly wanted. To drag something out was easier than full on hitting everyone in the face with his wishes. Balin nodded with a formal look before checking at the papers before him before looking up again.  
  
"And would this suggestion be, arranged marriages of the sort? Between our people and of the other kingdom? Assuming it would be that as we've already a strong bond through trade" Kili swallowed, only now noticing how dry his throat was. He dare not look around the council, for he could feel eyes already burning into his school. His guess was some of the dwarves that sat round the table had already guessed he was offering himself up, but some hadn't thus were sat forward, listening.  
  
"..Y-Yes. That's correct" he stammered.  
  
"And which Kingdom, or few, would you wish to offer marriage arrangements with?"  
  
"The Woodland realm, Mirkwood. Thranduil's people" Kili began, hearing one or two sighs at the beginning of his sentence, thus drawing out his answer longer. It was known that many of the dwarves of Erebor still held a great disliking for elves, but in all honesty it was only the older dwarves. For the elves had given their help at the battle of five armies.  
  
"..Your majesty, I will take note of your suggestion... But to marry the people of Erebor with the people of Mirkwood? It may be complicated. And not just relationship wise but, with producing a heir and the sorts," Kili paused for a long while, not taking his eyes from Balin before nodding gently.  
  
"I understand all complications. There are still rough... personal matters between Mirkwood and Erebor but I feel if we want to survive and flourish as a rebuilt kingdom we need to build up our bridges, not burn them..." Kili took a deep breath to compose himself before he continued.  
  
"And in to show Mirkwood how serious we are in mending the bond, I would offer myself as a candidate for marriage." This time there were a few scoffs, which Kili knew would come. He was just bracing himself for an outburst that would surely follow. Balin looked slightly uncomfortable, he glanced to his side. Kili didn't follow the old dwarf's eyes but he already knew who he was glancing to.  
  
"...Would your marriage be bonding Royalty?" Balin asked firmly, making eye contact with the prince once more. Kili gave a slow shake of his head.  
"I do not intend to offer myself to either the prince or the king if that was mistaken, I would merely wish to join our people together through the ties of a marriage with another from Mirkwood and-"  
  
"For goodness sake." A rough voice broke in across the table. Kili felt his heart stop for a moment, as he glanced over and saw a distraught looking Dwalin sat scowling. Kili could see his knuckles pale, which made him tense.  
  
"You should know not to drag your personal matters into your kingdom" He said growled to which Kili bit his lip at.  
  
"I am not bringing my personal desires into this, I simply wanted to strengthen our bond with-"  
  
"Do not spout your lies here!" Dwalin roared back, standing up abruptly and jabbing a finger at him, causing Kili to jump. He could feel the blood leaving his face and he struggled to hold it together.  
  
"You are one of the line of Durin, Kili! A prince! Don't you know better than to put your own selfish needs before the good of your people, for your Kingdom?"  
  
"Well I'm never going to sit on that throne am I?" Kili only realised he had snapped back until it left his mouth. Dwalin shook his head with a dark look in his eyes.  
  
"Is that what it's about?" He murmured. Kili felt the tears welling in his eyes as he stood up sharply facing Dwalin.  
  
"No it most certainly is not! I would rather my brother sit on that throne and produce children to follow in his footsteps than me sit on that throne! Mahal forbid I am frightened of that duty, of that responsibility, I will not lie to you! But I swear to you, that doesn't mean I still think I can be as wreck-less as I like. I am trying to help my people!"  
  
"You are trying to marry the she elf you've been sobbing over for all these years!" Dwalin spat furiously. Kili found himself tensing and lost for words again. He opened his mouth to answer back but had no words. He felt like bursting into tears. Now the council had seen him with his guard down. They all knew...  
  
"Dwalin." A soft voice broke through the tension. All eyes turned to Fili and Kili for once, allowed himself to look at his brother. Then he wished he hadn't.  
  
Kili was swept away in the warm ocean of Fili's blue eyes. The warm blue that Kili had not dared to indulge himself in for years suddenly hit him and he found himself struggling to breathe.  
  
"...All personal matters aside, do you honestly wish to strengthen our relationship with Mirkwood by marrying?" Kili found his lips to be dry and he nodded, trying to keep his face plain as he held eye contact with his brother; something he had not done in a long time.  
  
Fili stared back before Kili could handle it no longer and blinked, breaking his gaze and looking away. He sat back down gingerly and slumped into himself, keeping his gaze lowered. Kili heard Dwalin sit back down across the table.  
  
There was a long silence. Until Fili sighed and began to speak.  
  
"Then we shall make contact with Mirkwood, and offer King Thranduil of our ideas to discuss... You may all be dismissed."

And before anyone else could draw breath, Kili stood up, pushed his chair out sharply and quickly left the chamber. Only did he let the tears tumble down his face when he was safely in his own bed chambers with the door firmly shut behind him.  
  
* * *  
  
Since the morning, Fili could not stop rubbing his eyes and it was not from tiredness. Not only was the stress of being king finally wearing on him but of his brother's behavior. He hadn't understood anything Kili had done until now. And now it all made sense. What a blind fool he had been.  
  
Tauriel, of course.  
  
Fili assumed Kili had never really forgotten her and longed to be with her still. Especially since he would most likely never be King of Erebor thus didn't carry the burdens and expectations that he himself did. Kili had been hoping all this time that there were still a chance of them being together.  
  
Now Fili finally lay in bed but could not muster the will to fall asleep. He lay on his side, watching the fire and breathing steadily. Fili had gotten used to sleeping alone in his own chambers but it didn't make it any easier. Fili longed to relive the days with the company. To be curled up in under furs, listening to the spitting of a campfire and Bombur's extremely loud snoring. The feel of reassurance when Thorin and Gandalf took watch all night... The feel of Kili's warm body pressed against his.  
  
Fili's fingers tightened on the sheets and furs around him.  
  
It wasn't even the passionate nights he completely missed (of course he missed them though) but just the feeling of Kili snoring softly next to him. Watching the way he scowled in his sleep, and the way his lips sometimes were parted during sleep. He missed his brother. Why Kili had shut him out, Fili couldn't understand... Well in a way he could, but Fili wasn't upset that Kili wanted to be married.  
  
The young king understood perfectly that now they were rulers of Erebor, nothing could honestly go on between them anymore... but Fili was mature enough to get over that now. All he wanted was the fun friendship they once had.  
  
If Fili hadn't been holding his breath, he wouldn't have heard the knock at the door. Fili sat up quickly, grabbing his robe and covering himself up as he made his way to the door, frowning. He wondered who on earth it could be at this time...  
  
His question was soon answered at the sight that greeted him.  
  
At his door, Kili stood in his bed robes and blotchy eyes. He slumped weakly and held a look of heartbreak on his face.  
  
"...Kili" Fili began gently.  
  
"..What are you doing here at this hour? Shouldn't you be sleeping?" Kili simply bit his lip. Those sad, sad chocolate orbs bore into Fili's skull and as he was beginning to become uncomfortable with Kili's silence, he spoke.  
  
"Why didn't you shout?" He began softly.  
  
"Thorin would have roared and ranted and cursed me for today."   
  
Fili breathed out slowly whilst shaking his head.  
  
"Kili, do not worry of what people will think, or how Dwalin reacted. I feel you're very sensible and mature for making the decision you've made." Kili remained silent. Fili moved to put a hand on his brother's shoulder gently.  
  
"It's quite noble of you in fact, wanting to build up friendships of other kingdoms... Deep down, Thorin would be very proud of you."  
  
Kili screwed his eyes shut, few tears escaping down his cheeks.  
  
"Why are you being so nice to me?" Kili spat suddenly, taking Fili by surprise. Fili removed his arm, wondering if touching his brother had caused him to become upset...  
  
"Why am I being so nice?" Fili asked, mainly to repeat the question to himself.  
  
"...Because you're my brother, Kili. Brothers are supposed to look out for each other and help each other." Fili explained softly but to his dismay this only seemed to rile Kili up more.  
  
"No! You're supposed to hate me and be horrible to me! I left you for someone else and ask for your blessing of our marriage and instead of being furious you're... allowing it and encouraging me?" Kili babbled, tears streaming down his face. He was beginning to raise his voice and Fili shuffled awkwardly, not wanting to wake people but not exactly wanting to pull Kili into his chambers.  
  
"Kili, hush you're being hysterical," He said calmly.  
  
"You made me hysterical!" He snapped back.  
  
"You and your stupid face and stupid eyes and how you're so kind and how you always respect everything about me! You idiot!" He shouted, giving Fili a shove.   
  
Fili stood in a strong stance and caught Kili's wrists firmly.  
  
"Kili, I beg you keep your voice down, someone will hear us."  
  
Kili slumped to the side, half crying half laughing in Fili's grip.  
  
"Do you remember the last time you said that to me? We were in Rivendell and-"  
  
Fili could take no more and pulled Kili into his chambers, shutting the door and pinning his brother against the wall savagely, slapping a hand over his mouth.  
  
"Kili will you shut your mouth! I am being kind and accepting your wishes because it is my duty to run this Kingdom! I am looking at things through a King's eyes and not through the pair of a selfish young dwarf who misses the happy times he used to have with his family!" Fili felt a stab seeing the fright in his brother's eyes as he growled. Still he continued,  
  
"I am allowing you to marry someone you clearly love because our relationship would cause problems." He stated slowly. It was a heavy blow for both of them, neither having talked about their relationship for years.  
  
"We could never be together, Kili... Never. We could never produce children together and to top that all off... we are brothers, Kili. It's practically a sin. " Fili shook his head sadly. It pained him to see the utter heartbreak in Kili's eyes.  
  
Fili moved back, releasing Kili and he lowered his head.  
  
"I-I'm sorry Kili... It's pained me too, being apart. But it's for the best." He glanced up, seeing Kili still back to the wall and hands close to his face. He had stopped crying but his cheeks were still tear stained.  
  
"Fee," Kili whispered softly, not moving. Fili swallowed staying where he was. Kili lowered his head shamefully.  
  
"...Then at least can we have one more time? ... Before we're married and completely cut off from each other?" Fili frowned and sighed.  
  
"We wont become cut off when we're married, Kee... We'll still be brothers if you allow me in... We can go back to old times. Playing pranks, worrying our mother to death, feasting with our friends... Just not our secret moments with each other.."  
  
There was a long silence of neither doing nor saying anything.  
  
"I'm worried if we do anything again Kili... Even just for one time, we'll become addicted... And it'll turn into what we had."  
  
Kili blinked sadly and covered his eyes.  
  
"When I asked if you could show me everything you had done with the girls and the few boys, it was a stupid excuse... I really liked you then and wanted to fill my silly fantasy with you in some way that didn't seem... completely weird." Fili shook his head and moved closer to take Kili's hands from his eyes gently.  
  
"I always thought that too, Kee... And I cursed myself every time I continued to... "show you things" because I knew that you really hadn't seen a girl or boy you liked in a tavern... I was just becoming curious myself."   
  
Kili smiled gently, which caused Fili to feel warm and happy at seeing his brother smile because of him. Something he hadn't seen in a long time.   
  
"...I wouldn't want our feelings to come bubbling back to the surface to make things difficult-" Fili began but Kili took his hands sharply.  
  
"They wont." He said before glancing away shyly.  
  
"...Tauriel will have my attention all the time from then on." Fili smirked as Kili glanced back to him and tilted his head away in mock hurt.  
  
"Very well, young prince. Going out and finding someone to promise yourself to already." Fili said with a little nudge causing Kili to grin which really made his heart flutter.  
  
"I don't know why they say the King always has his bed and belly full, you're always so busy you never bloody get time in here" Kili retorted motioning to Fili's bed chambers they were in. Fili gave a sad nod.  
  
"Aye.. It's a tough life indeed..." Fili gazed into Kili's eyes and felt his heart melt. There were no words from then on. Fili stay still, too worried of the consequences if he were to do anything other than stand like a startled deer.  
  
Kili was the one that joined their lips together. Slowly and gradually, he moved forward and pressed his dry lips against Fili's. The kiss started gently and slow and it somehow felt that they had both forgotten how to kiss.  
  
It took Fili back to them both being much younger dwarves, sat in their shared bedroom on top of Fili's bed when he was showing Kili the "proper way to kiss a dwarven lady".  
  
Fili gently moved a hand up, cupping Kili's jaw as they moved their lips against each other's gently. Kili exhaled through his notrils causing Fili's facial hair to stir. Fili pulled back with a small smile to see Kili with his eyes shut firmly, biting his lip with flushed cheeks. The sight began to edge him on dangerously.  
  
Kili half opened his eyes slowly and swallowed, taking Fili's other hand and entwining their fingers.  
  
"We shouldn't be doing this, Kili." Fili whispered, watching the pair of chocolate orbs in front of him quiver.  
  
"I don't care..." The brunette whispered back at him. Eyes met and then the very air around them became heated as former lovers hastily pulled one another towards the bed, to become lovers once more.

**Author's Note:**

> Ta very much for reading~  
> Be gentle, I'm very tired and don't have time to edit my work.


End file.
